01/11/2019 3:20 pm

I want to say ahead of time names will be changed. There are a few men in my life right now and from the deepest part of my heart, I am so sorry.

Back in mid October I swiped right and matched with a cute guy Travis*, ex-college baseball player so not exactly what I normally go for. He seemed really sweet and started asking me about my golf game so we began talking a bit and actually hit it off. We actually hit it off too well. Now, if you’re a girl you’re either thinking “why so ungrateful?” or you’re grabbing your popcorn ready to see what the upcoming issue will be. Back in early August after a royal fuck up in my love life I decided to challenge myself and see if I could stay single longer than the 4-6 month timeframe it would take for me to either A.) find someone new to forget about my old “boo” or B.) Vow to stay single until a man was adamant on being in my life who would impress me with empty promises, prompting me to jump into something new that would also eventually end terribly. So, some of you may see my dilemma where here I was 2 months into my 6+ month journey and I’m spending hours talking, texting, FaceTiming, and combing through their social media. I was infatuated with the fact that someone was so interested in me. At the height of everything, I was living with my friend Sadie* for a week and she kept warning me about putting all my eggs in one basket, showing him too much attention etc. Once I moved in to my apartment on campus mid November, #GoCoogs, Travis and I were hanging out every weekend and everything from the conversation to the sex was amazing… until he dropped the P word. Before you get in the gutter I’m going to clarify that the dreaded word for me is “Parents”. Holy fuck, I was turned off in every aspect of the word. One month had gone by and I was enjoying laughing, having sex, talking until 3am and not uttering a word to my parents about my love life (for once) and all of a sudden I had to think about being serious. So, in true fashion I re-activated my Tinder, texted a match and went out for drinks (story for another time) and started finding as many little things possibly wrong with Travis that I could. So, December 1st of 2018 I succumbed to being a coward and gave them a bunch of vapid reasons to say it wouldn’t work out. Travis was pretty offended but cool at the same time admitting that he pushed a little hard for us to be an item when I repeatedly said I was not ready to settle down. And while he let me borrow his favorite Columbia hoodie, left a shirt and pair of boxers at my place we never checked up on each other… until he asked me about my New Years Eve plans.

Here we go again,

Now, to be fair it was already NYE and Im not one to make last minute plans I already had planned to spend it with someone else but I tiptoed carefully and told Travis I had the dinner shift and would be spending the late evening with family. Shitty I know, but this is what my life has been in regards to men the past few months. I was able to take a break and neglect my actual feelings in terms of a relationship with Travis for a solid month and of course we made plans to hang out which also quickly turned into the kind of hanging out that involves taking your clothes off (because I’m terrible and not every guy is willing to fuck you exactly the way you want them to all while giving you the pleasure and girth you crave). So, today was our third time hanging out (I’ve finally got y’all caught up) in the span of a week and while too much was the downfall I just want to let y’all in on something, I love making the same mistake more than once… especially if it makes me feel good. But this time around was different, even the second time we cuddled, talked about life and each others family more than I allowed when we were serious. We play fought, kissed passionately, binged a healthy amount of Brooklyn Nine-Nine and of course took each others clothes off and indulged in each others bodies. He left at 2:15 and at 2:24 pm, not even ten minutes later, I texted him to come back and admitted that I missed him already, which I never do, but was immediately informed that I was missed as well. I felt so powerful, isn’t it lovely when the energy is reciprocated? It was amazing so I opened the window of my 5th floor apartment, let the sunshine and fresh (city) air pour into my lungs and began to write. My life felt perfect in the most simple way, until